Yes. It is I. Back from the grave. From the depths of the Earth’s core. Alas – Kelly’s blog.
It’s been months since my last post, and although I do apologize to you all, I should really be apologizing to myself. It helped me stay on track with my schedule, faith, and especially my coding skillz. (Really, though. WhatdoIdowithmyhands?) Back in the ye olde blogging days, I was fairly in tune with my thoughts and emotions. So what about the Kelly without a blog? The Kelly who was thiiiiis close to deleting this entire thing from existence? What’s been going on with her the past few months? A giant mess. That’s what. Let me explain…
My time in Dallas, TX ended in the beginning of May. Phew! I made it out of that place alive. I moved to San Antonio with my ma for three months while waiting for my current roommates’ previous lease to end. During those months, I read my Bible a total of 1 time. Even that one time, I was completely glazing over the pages, totally desensitized to God’s word. So it’s safe to say that number was essentially zero. My daily routine included at least one of the following: watch Live with Kelly Ripa with my coffee in hand, obsess about the newest feud between the Kardashians and whomever, and/or try out new cookie recipes #gluttonyisthenewblack. (Side bar: For those of you wondering, I have a job with a digital media agency that allows me to work from home. Alright, moving on.) It’s safe to say I was light years away from where my faith once was. I would make excuses, all while trying to suppress emotions even further back into my brain until maybe they’d metabolize and turn into a grey hair. Science isn’t my strong suit, ok? I figured I’d wait until I was completely over a couple issues, or just numb to them, then I’d hit the Bible hard and start praying again. Then I’d be just sterile enough to present my tidied up problems. That way, He wouldn’t have all that much to fix, right? One night, the words “wreck my life” slipped into my prayer out of nowhere. For the record, this is not where I tell you I later spoke in tongues and healed the blind (I’d choose Fetty Wap).
Within days, I lost the love of my life (my dog), the shooting of Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, and Dallas PD happened, and every other issue I’ve neglected to confront decided to come out and play. (Another side bar: My daily work deals directly with police officers, so although those events didn’t deal with me directly, my heart was still as heavy as can be.) I was a mess, with a capital M. I don’t know about you, but I am a stage 5 ugly-crier. Didn’t matter if I was in a Starbucks, a Target, or on my bicycle, tears would be fallin’.
I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to pray for something like this. “Wreck my life” …what? Who does that? And who uses that lingo? Of course I get what I pray for when it’s something that doesn’t go in my favor.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking after that prayer something great happened to me that made it all worth it, and now I’m here to humblebrag about how #blessed I am for making it out alive. Your eyes are getting ready to roll into the back of your head and your finger is inching towards that little X button.
Nope. Not today. Things still haven’t been un-wrecked. The waiting period isn’t always what we hope it is. I certainly expected mine to be a little quicker than this. What’s the timeframe you’re comfortable with? A couple weeks? A couple months? Bottom line is: I never found my dog, several other personal issues continued to show their ugly face, worse and worse tragedies continue to happen around the world, and Donald Trump is still an actual option. Doesn’t it seem like you’re sitting in awkward silence after God told a bad joke? #same but hopefully I have a semi-comforting insight for you.
We can’t control anything God has his hand over, yet we feel we have the right to decide how much suffering is enough suffering. If His plan for us requires a little more suffering than we like, normally our knee-jerk reaction is to slowly pull away from Him. Spend a little less time praying, going to church, and reading the Bible; make excuses to focus on ourselves. But consider this – Let’s say you needed a vaccination. Would you get the full benefit from a vaccination if the needle is only half-inserted? As if your uncomfortable squirming is the cue the nurse looks for to signify completion. Sounds like something out of a Seinfeld episode. NO SOUP FOR YOU! Forget reaping the benefits of a full dosage of suffering, let’s just continue to feign self-preservation and and self-sufficiency instead. This is where no blog Kelly has been these days. Le sigh.
So before you tap out and turn even further away from God/further into yourself, here’s a glimmer of hope from James 1:12 that says it perfectly. “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”