It’s Christmas time, y’all! Families are preparing for travel, standard shipping doesn’t exist, and your pants already don’t fit. Even though I’m perpetually cold and layering clothes pisses me off, Christmas is my favorite time of the year! Family, food, fun – GIMME ALL OF IT.

No matter where you are, chances are Christmas music is playing in the background! The Frank Sinatra Christmas album is my fave, FYI. Out of all the classics, there’s a song we all know and love – the 12 Days of Christmas. I took a second to read the lyrics and learned that it’s actually, maybe, definitely the strangest tune out there, second to the “I’m in love wit da Coco” song. I cringe.Anyway, if you’re ever stuck Christmas caroling, or need some entertainment, listed below are some one-liners to help you remember the classic, yet confusing holiday tune.

On the ___ day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

1st day – A Partridge in a Pear tree

How about a hammock on a palm tree? And a little less ice in the Mojito this time.

2nd day – Two Turtle Doves

Is that chocolate orrrrr? Because yes.

3rd day – Three French Hens

How many sides do I get with that? Just one? I’ll get the baked potato, thanks!

4th day – Four Calling Birds

Sounds like a construction site to me. I’m flattered, really. Yep, never felt more beautiful. Keep your reflective vest on, big fella.

5th day – Five Golden Rings

All that comes to mind is that Kobe Bryant has 5 NBA Championship rings. The GOAT, but more importantly BAE!

6th day – Six Geese a Laying

What’d you call me?!

7th day – Seven Swans a Swimming

*shutters at the thought of being in a bathing suit*

8th day – Eight Maids a Milking

 #squadgoals if I’ve ever seen it.

9th day – 9 Ladies Dancing

Engagement season is upon us. Shout out to all my single ladies!

10th day – Ten Lords a Leaping

If you didn’t picture Lord Scott Disick on a pogo stick, be gone, peasant!

11th day – Eleven Pipers Piping

This is normally the part in the song everyone will speed through because, 1) WHAT? 2) Uncle Dave is spitting everywhere.

12th day – 12 Drummers Drumming

*raises hand* Is mayonnaise an instrument?


Aaaaand, that’s a wrap! Hopefully you got a chuckle, or at least blew some air out of your nose. Hopefully you understood half of those jokes. Hopefully you won’t have to go caroling this year, but hopefully you’ll still be spending quality time with your family. Hopefully you give more than you receive. Hopefully you eat all the cookies in the world. Hopefully you wake up early on Christmas morning, not to open presents, but to make some coffee and breakfast for everyone. Hopefully my sister read that. In all seriousness though, I hope you have a very merry Christmas! Heaux heaux heaux!



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